Humour in the Cockpit

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident...

(P stands for the Problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands for the Corrective Action taken by the mechanics.)

> P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
>
> S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>
>
> P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
>
> S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
>
>
> P: Something loose in cockpit.
>
> S: Something tightened in cockpit.
>
>
> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
>
> S: Live bugs on backorder.
>
>
> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
>
> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>
>
> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
>
> S: Evidence removed.
>
>
> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
>
> S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>
>
> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
>
> S: That's what they're there for!
>
>
> P: IFF inoperative.
>
> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>
>
> P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
>
> S: Suspect you're right.
>
>
> P: Number 3 engine missing.
>
> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
>
>
> P: Aircraft handles funny.
>
> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
>
>
> P: Radar hums.
>
> S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
>
>
> P: Mouse in cockpit.
>
> S: Cat installed.

 
When you can't breathe, nothing else matters

So goes the catchphrase of the American Lung Association...

Finally fed up of the polluted air around my house, I decided to write in to the Straits Times about it. Don't think they'll publish it though - apparently they get thousands of letters everyday and can only manage to print a few due to budget contraints...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Is it my imagination, or has the air quality in the city deteriorated of late?

I find myself unable recently to take a walk through the streets of Orchard, Dhoby Ghaut and Bras Basah without being inflicted by a painful throat or nasal irritation, accompanied by enough phlegm and mucus to scare the tourists away.

Where I live, I only have to step out a few metres to face a massive construction site where the LTA has been working on the Circle Line for years, then turn around to see the once vast and glorious Bras Basah Park bulldozed into another construction site for the SMU. Whatever few trees have been spared hang their leaves pallidly over the periphery, charred to a crispy texture by the fumes emanating from the site.

Afraid to cover my face with a mask for fear of giving people the wrong idea, I walk on further and find, to my horror, that there is more construction occurring to my left here the Singapore Art Museum is, and remember that the Singapore History Museum on my right would soon be subjected to similar and greater trauma…

Dizzy and dazed by both the hot weather and hot fumes, I turn left onto North Bridge Road where there is even more construction going on.

By the time I reach Middle Road, my sneezing and coughing is out of control. The people ahead of me avoid me like I have the SARS. Turning left towards Bencoolen Street, I am attacked by the fumes from at least another 50 cars and 3 construction sites (one of which is the new NAFA campus).

I am surprised that at a time when Singaporeans are taking extreme precautionary measures to protect themselves from SARS, the regulation of toxic air pollutants released by the construction industry does not seem to exist in this country. It is widely known that air pollution can adversely affect our work capacity, manual dexterity, learning ability, visual and respiratory functions and potentially cause cancer and birth defects.

If the unsightliness of these highly-concentrated construction sites does not drive the tourists away, it will asphyxiate them first. And our children will suffer not from SARS, but from the consequences of overzealous, underregulated redevelopment.

VANESSA TEO TOON LIN